Old Xanga Post # 1

im single again. though im ok with idea, im just starting to miss someone again. well hes not in manila so i guess i should be feelin this way at all. im upset. the other day, i was talkin to him and he sounded indiffferent. i guess i shouldnt be feeling bad about it. i will never blame him. it was my fault why we broke up before. i wasnt strong enough to keep a relationship with all that distance. i miss him bad right now. and the thing is, i can actually feel it. i miss him bad. i really do. and no matter how many times i tell myself how much i miss him, it will never help me. i really think i shuold be stronger. i really think that i must forget him. and not think of him at all. thats the only way i can really move on.

im talking to several guys now. all of whom are not in manila. vell, not in the Philippines even. it pains me that my last relationship brougt much trauma to me, that i feel i can never be physically intimate with anyone i love. im really upset now. but no matter how bad i feel, hurting myself or even the thought of punishing me never came into my mind.

i fear that i might be hurting someone throughout this process. me loving all of them at the same time. i wanna be loved. badly. i need to be loved. im upset. i miss you so much. if youre reading this, i just want you to know that i miss you so much and im sorry for all ive done. im really sorry. i want you bad. but i am not strong enough to give you what you need. im really sorry.

my friends see me at a fun and easy person to be with. a person who has everything planned out. but sad to say, i am not. i too dont know what to do with my life. well not entirely. i do know what i want. i just do not know how to get things done.

i am wishing and praying that soon as i wake up next year i have a strong sense of how to get to where i wanna be. that love was never really my strengths and that i can live with out it. i was watcing DOWN WITH LOVE the other day. it should remind me of how i should be. without the happy ending.

i love him so much and i miss him. i really do.